Quick update

Being sick sucks. BIG TIME. Still getting over whatever I have, I couldn't even join my family for Thanksgiving. No weight update. It was super weird eating but not tasting anything. Well, time to try and get back on track!

One day at a time, one choice at a time. Never give up and never back down!

Sunday fun day

I had a lot of fun today. Went to Disney on ice with my sister and niece. It wasn't just for her, I really wanted to go and loved it. 

I didn't make the best food choices. Breakfast at McDonald's, popcorn at the show and Dicky's for dinner. Although I did get some groceries that should help me stay on track. I was also more active yesterday and today so there's that. 

I've checked in a few times this week and have worn my watch everyday so some things are good. 

Never give up, never back down. One day and one choice at a time. 

Fri-yay

 I don't get to say that very often, Fridays are usually my Monday 😏 

Weighed myself today, 3-6-3....363!!! I knew I had gained more. Although disappointing I didn't let it ruin my day. Went to Costco, got some good things and not so good things. Right now I'm just trying to pack lunch, not too concerned with calories yet, it's the habit I'm trying to build. 

Are burgerville, again not the best choice. Totally over ordered but did throw some items away so I didn't make myself sick eating. 

Just need to go to the grocery store tomorrow for a few things and to prep some things on Sunday. Overall note too bad. Also did some cleaning, not everything I should have or could have but it's a step. 

One day at a time, one choice at a time!

Today was a good day

 Today was my birthday, I'm official 39 years old. I slept in, then went to the chiropractor. Got Burger King and my free Starbucks (cannot skip that on your birthday!). 

Then my sister took me out to dinner and we saw a movie. I really don't know what I'd do without her, she knows me so well. 

I felt all the love find friends texting to wish me a great day, and despite those missing I feel like the luckiest girl in the world to have such wonderful humans in my life. 

Did I eat healthy today? Hell no. Did I eat the worst? Actually, no. Ready to put in some work tomorrow thinking about meals for next week and getting some cleaning done!

Didn't even think this account was still active!

 Holy crow. I haven't posted in over 5 1/2 years. Time flies. 

Word of my life right now? 

Uncomfortable 

I'll be turning 39 tomorrow... yep 39. I can't believe I'm that old! I'll be turning 39 in a body I hate. I feel uncomfortable all the fucking time. Sleeping, getting ready for work, showering, walking my pup, driving, I mean the list goes on and on. My weight right now, I'm not exactly sure but my guess is around 360 😱

So many fucking times I'm like ok, let's get it together, let's food prep let's eat better. Then I just don't give a fuck and order door dash. And way too much about it. 

Years ago a Facebook friend wrote about she lost weight and said something that always stuck with me. She started eating for one. You might not think that profound but as a fat person, I know EXACTLY what she means. I think about it all the time. I think, do I really need this much food? No, but I want it. I want to feel bursting at the seems, feel satisfied. 

But you know where that led me? To uncomfortable!!

I reread all my blogs, so similar. So full of wishes and wants but no work. No dedication. Like most of my life, lacking motivation. I've poured hundreds of dollars into programs and tools I don't use. Spent hundreds of dollars on groceries that went in the trash. And it's not about the $$$ it's my mindset. 

My journey started with nothing. I did walking tapes in my room for fuck's sake. I don't need memberships and food plans, I need a fucking reason. A determination, a drive, I need to WANT this to happen. 

So back at it, goals: start blogging more, it really does help. Try to meal prep and stick with it, with the goal being eat the food i prepare more days than not. And wear my watch every day to help motivate me to take more steps. 

One day at a time, one step at a time. This fight is for me!

Day 1---ish

I did not weigh myself this morning, I'm trying to avoid doing it daily, it kind of brings you down-ya know?  I did not buy breakfast this morning, but I did eat a lot of pizza.  Ate before I went to bed-worked graveyard last night-and again when I couldn't sleep at 3pm.  I got up, ate a couple pieces, smoked and tried to go back to sleep.  Then ate pizza AGAIN before I went to work.  There is no more pizza in my fridge, so no more of that!  I did make salad to bring to work, kind of ruined it by adding the popcorn chicken I forgot I left here, but it was still a salad and not fast food.

Then there was a little incident with cake-I had a piece.  Reminds me how much I love sweet frosting, :(  Didn't have to do it, but could not talk myself out of it.  I would say, overall I didn't give into any fast food temptations so I am happy about that.  I have salads and breakfast prepped for the next couple days so that is another positive.  Now I just need to get out there and walk the dog!

Is it seriously 2017?!?!

Let me catch you up, my last blog post I weighed in at 275.8lbs.  The heaviest I've been on a scale since 2010.  My highest KNOWN weight every was 284.5lbs.  Here we are at the end of January 2017 and I have reached an ugly 312.5...seriously...over 300lbs.  HOW THE FUCK DID THIS HAPPEN?  I ask myself this all the time, but really, I know exactly what happened.  I gave up.

I gave up on everything.  In the past year my sister got married, I lost no weight for that, I moved back to Oregon, and I got fatter.  Listen, when I found out I was moving home I was so excited.  I thought, this is my chance!  This is my chance to forget I ever moved, I'll be near my support system, and I'll get back on track.  And I did try-I signed up for Crossfit, I did 21 day fix--well let's be honest I don't think I finished the full 21 days but I was eating much healthier, then it happened.  The back pain from hell.  Even the most pain I ever felt due to my gallstones could not have prepared me for the pain felt due to a herniated or bulging disc (so my doctor says).  I have been going to this awesome chiropractor for over 6 months now and still experience pain on a daily basis.  It's not nearly as bad, but it is there every.single.day.

Let's not forget I also started at a new hotel which presented a world of challenges on it's own.  Loosing people, having to work the front desk all the time, having to work graveyard for almost 3 months straight.  And I gave up.  Over and over again.  I said "fuck it" on a daily basis and ate whatever shit I wanted because it was the only thing I thought brought me joy.  Food and of course my amazing fur baby Francesca.  Damn I love that dog.  If it weren't for her, I would've never gotten up some days.

Back to the bitching, because isn't that all this is?  Bitching about not having self control, not having enough self restraint to eat a healthy salad instead of Del Taco nachos?  When it's really all my fault that I chose to lead such a suffocating life.  I chose that drive thru instead of cooking at home, I chose those alcoholic beverages that make me forget I hate my life.  My choices are destroying my body, my self esteem, and my mind.  When will I choose to stand up for myself?  To say, no more and really mean it?  Having a support system is great, but they can't support you until they know what you need from them.  I haven't gotten that far.  I constantly wonder if my back pain is just another crutch for me to use.  An excuse for not getting out there and going to the gym, or walking around the fucking block a couple times.  If anything I should have my eating habits under control now right?  Well they are getting better.  I am cooking much more often, I've got to-go breakfast sandwiches ready in my fridge, right next to that pizza hut pizza I ordered a couple days ago *sigh*

This shit gets harder, not easier.  I fucking hate when people say that.  It gets harder when it is such a conscientious effort everyday.  And the bitching will never stop, there will always be shit to bitch about.  So...damn, let's make some goals and check in more often.  Let's start there, one day at a time, one meal at a time, it's my fucking life and I want to live it.

Goals-not to eat out for breakfast AT ALL this week, walk at least 30 mins with the babe 4 days and update blog at least 3 times.