Let me catch you up, my last blog post I weighed in at 275.8lbs. The heaviest I've been on a scale since 2010. My highest KNOWN weight every was 284.5lbs. Here we are at the end of January 2017 and I have reached an ugly 312.5...seriously...over 300lbs. HOW THE FUCK DID THIS HAPPEN? I ask myself this all the time, but really, I know exactly what happened. I gave up.
I gave up on everything. In the past year my sister got married, I lost no weight for that, I moved back to Oregon, and I got fatter. Listen, when I found out I was moving home I was so excited. I thought, this is my chance! This is my chance to forget I ever moved, I'll be near my support system, and I'll get back on track. And I did try-I signed up for Crossfit, I did 21 day fix--well let's be honest I don't think I finished the full 21 days but I was eating much healthier, then it happened. The back pain from hell. Even the most pain I ever felt due to my gallstones could not have prepared me for the pain felt due to a herniated or bulging disc (so my doctor says). I have been going to this awesome chiropractor for over 6 months now and still experience pain on a daily basis. It's not nearly as bad, but it is there every.single.day.
Let's not forget I also started at a new hotel which presented a world of challenges on it's own. Loosing people, having to work the front desk all the time, having to work graveyard for almost 3 months straight. And I gave up. Over and over again. I said "fuck it" on a daily basis and ate whatever shit I wanted because it was the only thing I thought brought me joy. Food and of course my amazing fur baby Francesca. Damn I love that dog. If it weren't for her, I would've never gotten up some days.
Back to the bitching, because isn't that all this is? Bitching about not having self control, not having enough self restraint to eat a healthy salad instead of Del Taco nachos? When it's really all my fault that I chose to lead such a suffocating life. I chose that drive thru instead of cooking at home, I chose those alcoholic beverages that make me forget I hate my life. My choices are destroying my body, my self esteem, and my mind. When will I choose to stand up for myself? To say, no more and really mean it? Having a support system is great, but they can't support you until they know what you need from them. I haven't gotten that far. I constantly wonder if my back pain is just another crutch for me to use. An excuse for not getting out there and going to the gym, or walking around the fucking block a couple times. If anything I should have my eating habits under control now right? Well they are getting better. I am cooking much more often, I've got to-go breakfast sandwiches ready in my fridge, right next to that pizza hut pizza I ordered a couple days ago *sigh*
This shit gets harder, not easier. I fucking hate when people say that. It gets harder when it is such a conscientious effort everyday. And the bitching will never stop, there will always be shit to bitch about. So...damn, let's make some goals and check in more often. Let's start there, one day at a time, one meal at a time, it's my fucking life and I want to live it.
Goals-not to eat out for breakfast AT ALL this week, walk at least 30 mins with the babe 4 days and update blog at least 3 times.
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